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Thursday, September 26, 2013

I didn't mean to

I didn't mean to. I mean, I was minding my own business. But, it happened.
Not totally my fault.
She wasn't really my type. I didn't want to get mixed up with someone around my age. I would have preferred someone young and naïve; window dressing. You know, a chick for looks, but no substance. One I could manipulate and leave, no worries. No hassles.
But then again, those kind of chicks don't dig guys like me. I'm too bold; too sure of myself, and way too old.
I like to have the advantage. For me, the advantage was to be alone. Something comforting about wearing loneliness like a shroud around your heart. Keeps away the interested folks who pry into your soul.
Too late. She was there, in my life somewhere, like a sock you find in the bottom of the drawer. A match to the other sock you'd almost given up on. You're ready to toss it out, alone, when you find its mate.
Now that I found my "missing sock" I feel like I'm obligated to wear both at the same time. No more mismatch.
Yep. I found my match. But I'm not fully ready to be well. I enjoyed being miserable so long, it became my theme. I was like a country music song, being played over and over.
Now, it's kind of like being in one of those sappy fairy tales, but this time, the cartoon never ends. There are no closing credits. It lasts more than an hour and 45 minutes.
I'm beginning to think good fortune is finding me and I can't get away and be miserable like I want to.
Worse, I'm discovering that I don't even want to be miserable anymore.
I mean, I didn't mean to. I didn't plan to be happy.
It just happened.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Sad song

I was doing fine, for a Monday. I was working along, doing my job, getting things accomplished. Chasing the dream.
Maybe it was a song that came on in the background. I think so. It triggered a sort of sad feeling. Ever had that happen? You're doing fine one minute, then the next you're fighting back tears?
I went to the lunch room. It was empty. The lunch room, had it been occupied, would have cured my blues.
But being empty, it had the opposite effect. I retrieved my lunch and was consumed with the loneliness of eating alone. I wanted to die.
I made it out to my car before too many tears fell.
Once in the safety and seclusion of my parked car, I fell apart.
Have you heard a grown man cry in anguish?
It still haunts me to hear my own cries.
I recovered, presently, and returned to work, no one the wiser.
After work, a repeat of the same process from lunch. Get to the car and fight back the tears, unsuccessfully.

My heart won't let her go.

 


Wednesday, April 3, 2013

They say I'm crazy

I heard it again today... I hear it most days, actually. I'm crazy.
At least, that's what people tell me.
My answer? You're right. I am.
But what's wrong with being crazy? People consider me crazy because I don't conform to their idea of how a middle aged, educated, white man should behave. I have a "thing" for women's high heeled shoes. I go to places of questionable content with people outside my socially acceptable circle.

Therefore, those who are prone to judge others, are prone to label me as "crazy."

Okay, I'm not going to totally disagree with them. But I do want to promote something. I want to promote the idea that "crazy" isn't bad. In my case, "crazy" means:
I talk to strangers. I add them as friends on Facebook. I solicit them from a variety of sources online and offline, in real life.
I seek new relationships from people outside my socially acceptable circle. Meaning, older, younger, other cultures, other races, ethnic backgrounds, religions, political perspectives, orientation, etc. etc. and so forth. I purposefully become their friend and social companion. I care about them. I respect their differences. I don't always agree (sometimes I vehemently disagree!) but I always love them.

If that means I'm crazy, bring on the crazy!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Cita Previa No Necesaria (No Appointment Necessary)

 Walk in clinic has a ring of authenticity in the tourist town of Nuevo Progresso, Mexico. Strategically positioned on the south side of the Rio Grande River bridge, American and Canadian tourists are bombarded with pleas for instant dental care, pharmaceutical needs, and "manicure, pedicure, haircut" callings out.

No appointment necessary. "Almost free," the saying goes. No taxes. No waiting. No Obamacare. No nothing, but bring your cash.

I'd been feeling the filling need myself. Two big cavities on the left side. One on the top, one on the bottom. No insurance, so... why not check the prices.

A bald man with tattoos stands outside the dentist office. Not sure if he's the dentist, but his personality and English exceed the norm. "30 dollars for each filling," he says with confidence.

Sounds good. I walk in.  My wait time is about the time it takes to get my chair ready. No mystery here. No build up to worry about, just come in, sit back amigo, and open up.

The dentist arrived momentarily. A pretty little Mexican girl was his assistant. He wore a surgical mast. "Open."

I opened my mouth. No extra brushing and flossing to impress anyone today. Just walk in, and open your mouth.

He numbed the area and filled the bottom filling. The familiar smell of something burning. The same drill sound as in the states. The banter between dentist and hygienist was in Spanish, however.

My throat was dry, but the air hose in my mouth prevented any issues, however uncomfortable at times. Top tooth, bigger hole. A genuine effort for the second $30 filling. A pause.

The interpreter bald guy returned. "You have a big hole so you need to come back in two weeks. We put in a temporary filling," he announced.

"Can I come back in four days?" I was heading home in seven days and had to work the last two.

The interpreter asked the doctor in Spanish. Permission granted.

Paid the $60 and out the door.

Back again four days later, the dentist removed my cavity but didn't fill it up again. At least, when he was finished, my tongue could still feel the bigger cavity. Hmm. At least he didn't charge me again.
Stock Image - patient with dentist 
- dental treatment. 
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and photo clipart

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Emotional Bridge

The first time I crossed the foot bridge into Mexico, I wasn't sure what to expect. Friendly older American tourists were there to assure me of the safety and security of leaving the comforts of the U.S. on foot.

It cost 50 cents to go through the turnstyle. I went up the ramp and looked. There it was --- the Rio Grande. Not very grande. Actually, quite muddy. On our side, a big brown wall with a border patrol vehicle at the gate. On their side, clutter and beggars.


The bridge entrance at Nuevo Progresso, Mexico

The sign in the middle announced our side in English and their side in Spanish. One step later, I was in Mexico. I could hear the cries of the beggars. Women and children, far below the bridge waiving to me like I was Santa Claus. I could toss money at them through the openings on the railing if I so chose. I put my face down next to the opening. The beggars gathered, their chorus for cash intensifying.

I greeted them in Spanish, as if they were long, lost friends. I stood and waived goodbye. It felt weird to have the power to accept of dismiss their efforts.

Before me, an outstretch arm and a hat in the hand, reaching through the guardrail near the end of the bridge. Her voice was persistent, but small. I smiled at her but had nothing for her open hat.

The tourists took a photo of me on the bridge, and on the Mexico sign before the large statue and welcome sign.

Then I was left to my own devises. People calling out for me to enter their pharmacy. Others asking if I needed a shoe shine. Still others trying to convince me to get a manicure, pedicure or a haircut. Or all three.

More requests for pharmaceuticals, as if they were pushing used cars at a sleazy car lot. Men in white lab coats holding cardboard signs with prescription logos, indicating what was inside.
Children and parents pushing toward me, thrusting plastic trinkets my way. "No gracias," I say.

Vendors asking if I want to buy a wallet, a sombrero, a hammock, jewelry.
A mere glance in their direction is like tossing meat to a tiger. "Come in, sir. Pharmacy. Almost free. I give you good price."

Children with packets of gum. "How much?"

"Ten for a dollar," says the mother.


Crying Baby
I pull out a dollar bill and pick out ten colorful packets of chicklets style gum.

This attracted the cactus kids. "Cactus?" I dirty brown hand clutches a ziplock bag of chopped cactus. The other hand clutches uncut cactus in another bag.

The upstairs restaurant has clean, but small restrooms and plenty of gringo visitors. A mariachi band circulates. Six tacos for five dollars. Sounds good.

I look out the window on the hot, dusty street below. Mexico is different. I want to see more.

Back on the street with a full stomach and a few coronas to boot, I wander off the beaten path. A man asks if I want to buy any food, pottery, baskets, or women. Kinda in that order. "Can I get you a young lady?"

Interesting, but "no gracias."

A strip club ahead. Eager man handing me a yellow piece of paper with "lesbian shower" on the featured menu.

I continue. Now I'm in the real town, away from tourism. No more white people. Lots more chickens, dogs and dust.

The streets are uneven, unpaved, unkempt. Laundry hangs along a fence. I look again. It's clothing for sale.  Each pair of jeans has a price tag.

A convenience store the size of a rich woman's closet. Children play at outdoor video game machines different from anything I've ever seen. Like a third world arcade from 1983. No expressions. Void of conversation, just boys standing in their school uniforms pushing the buttons and watching the faded flickering small screen.

Dogs lie in the road, unmoved when cars pass. Many Texas license plates. All cars coated with grime.

Some houses look more like chicken coops. The dogs look too tired to bark at the gringo.

A air of despair and poverty lingers. Oppressive, like humidity in July in Louisiana.

Graffiti on a wall. A bar with happy hour all day painted on the purple exterior.

An ice cream cart. Kids on the sidewalk. "Hola, como estas?" I smile. No reply.
A woman, chubby and suspicious. Young. "Hola," I say.
"Hello," she says.
"You speak English?"
She nods. "Lived in Texas most of my life. Came here to get rid of family problems."
She shows me her arm. Riddled with scars. "I cut myself when I got depressed."
"How old are you?"
"15."
Her 14 year old English speaking brother arrives. A man in his 30s, half black and half Mexican wanders up suspiciously. I greet him like an old friend. He only speaks Spanish. Another chubby woman with him about 20, no English.

I flag down the ice cream cart. "How much?"
"Two dollars?"
"Two dollars! Oh, no, loco gringo no mucho denaro," I say, to the amusement of the onlookers. "Uno dollar each. Five for five. Cinco for cinco."
My four new friends and I enjoy a tasty treat in the hot January sun.

Afterwards, 30 something man asks if I want a "sombrero."
I say yes. He gets a palm branch hat from the house. Now I look like a Mexican, complete with a string under my chin.

I waive "adios" and the man asks me to bring him a budweiser on my next visit.
Three girls walking toward me. "Como te llamas?"
"Angelica."
The other two don't reply. Either they don't have names, or they don't have interest in a goofy gringo with a Mexican sombrero.

Back to the less dusty tourist area. Everyone notices my shoes and begs to shine them. I enjoy the attention, declining each offer.

Back on the bridge, 25 cents to leave Mexico. Passport check. "What are you bringing home?"
I walk home. Beggars on the bridge. Crying out for money. I toss them coins and gum.
Tears suddenly well up. I'm crossing the border because I can. It's cleaner and quieter. The cries of the beggars are gone, but their sound still rings in my heart.


Beggar under the bridge



Red Russian

When you decided not to leave with the others, hope swelled in my heart. Would you really stay?
I tried to deny it. This must be a dream. Too good to be true.
But I could take care of you. I could mentor you and this euphoria could last beyond the summer.
I would take you in as my own; a stray from another country, another culture.
You would continue to be my source of comfort and joy.
You weren't supposed to impact my life so. But you did. And now, you were staying. Really staying! Really staying?
You weren't specific.
Would you really be my girl for a semester? Would you really enroll in the local university and live with me? You said that's what you wanted more than anything.
I got you an eye appointment but the doctor friend of mine was out. You were disappointed because you were leaving town to be with friends for a week.
I couldn't figure out why you were so disappointed, since we could reschedule.
You indicated you didn't know when you would return, or if.
My throat went dry. My head spun. My carefully laid plans, hopes and desires were dashed.
You were leaving. Not the country, but the area. You were going to Chicago to see him, but not to visit. To live with him.
You told me you wanted to heal. To not be with boys like that anymore. That you would let your mind and your body heal. That you would make decisions based on wisdom unincumbered by outside pressures from poor choices.
You didn't love him. Why did you want to abandon us for him?
You left. You came back. My heart skipped, afraid. Would you stay?
I tried not to let it show. But it bothered me you were leaving again.
You came back a second time. Another fluke. Or was it fate?
Would you stay after all? Was God telling you to be with me and be safe?
You left again. You didn't give me any time alone to say goodbye the way I'd hoped.
You went to Chicago. You didn't like it. You missed me and you missed being here.
Then you left again. Not for home, but you went to Miami. With him.
So far away. Anger. Rage. Jealousy.
I couldn't think. I let you have it. I wanted to scream. I think I did.

You didn't come back. You stayed. Far away, yet still in my country, though barely. Not legal, no money, living with a boy you didn't love and not with a man you did love.
I couldn't face it. I stopped trying to relive the past. Then I had an idea. I would visit you there, in far away Miami.
I did. It was joyous. He was there, of course, pretending all was well. I knew better. You knew better. But with him, we couldn't be honest with each other. Alone, together, we shared. I talked. You listened.
Then you agreed with me. I wanted you to stop this nonsense with him and come back to me. But you stayed. I left.
Then something weird. I came back. A fluke. Or was it fate?
We talked again. We continued long discussions of importance. We loved and lived again.
Then, I left again. You loved me. I loved you. But we still live apart.
We still have so many miles between us. We still don't share life the same way we did in the summer.
I still miss you. I still want you to live with me. I still hope.



Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Dear Wife

Dear Wife,
Here are all the things I wanted to tell you before you divorced me.

I realize I wasn't a good listener.

I realize I only thought of myself first, then other women, then the kids, then my friends, then you.

I would have divorced me too.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. Now that I have learned all these things about myself, will you take me back so we can have a good marriage now?