Adverteasing

Delbert pushed up his thick glasses and hit "send," squirming with excitement. He had posted a personal ad on a social media site, soliciting for sex without ramifications. His heartbeat pounded.
At 5 feet, 4 inches and 220 pounds, sweaty Delbert didn't actually have a chance in the real world with real women.
He was 28, a virgin, and still living with his parents. (No offense to all the other 28-year-old virgins living with and mooching off their parents!)
Delbert was a bit of a slacker, but more than saavy with all things computer. He had a part time job at Best Buy, where co-workers referred customers with computer based questions to him but had little else to do with him.


He'd fallen hard and fast for Monica, the assistant manager, but was crushed to discover she was dating the manager from Circuit City. He had thought fleetingly about squealing to corporate about a "conflict of interest" shared between managers of two warring companies, but soon lost interest as Abigail, a prim and proper college student with amazing braces and pimples that matched her freckles, began her employ at Best Buy.
Delbert took it upon himself to "train" Abigail; alas, however, she was not in his department and his training session ended ubruptly when his former flame Asst. Mgr. Monica busted his meaty chops for dawdling and drooling during work hours.
After that episode, Delbert retreated to the confines of his pig sty, an upstairs locker room smelling bedroom in his parents' stuffy, aging "bad-part-of-town" home. There, surrounded by Star Trek and Charlie's Angels posters, his chubby nubbs pecked at the keyboard of his Apple.
Internet access was Delbert's saving grace. Without it, his communication was limited to defending why the meatloaf set aside for dinner guests was half eaten or yelling at his neighbor's dog to stop pooping in the yard. (It was Delbert's duty to de-poo the family property!)
Online this lonesome eve, Delbert's deliberation was ended. His masterpiece ad for unrestrained sex with any female over 18, "age/race/weight unimportant" was complete. His photo, while only slightly altered (he Photoshopped an older picture of Mel Gibson over his senior high school portrait (when he weighed a mere 198 pounds) was plastered to the bottom of the ad, along with his real cell phone number and e-mail addy.
Within two minutes, Delbert struck pay dirt. He pressed his finger to the bridge of his slumping glasses and glared eagerly at the screen. A reply from Wandamamumra1324@hotmail.com.

"Are you still looking? I am:)"

Fascinated by his remarkably speedy success in the world of hunting and bagging babes, Delbert pecked out a nervous reply, including his full name, address, cell phone number, and e-mail address, with the promise to send more pictures, including nudes, if requested.

Three nervous minutes ticked by. Delbert's palms and pits perspired profusely. (Okay, enough alliteration!)

Bingo! The reply from Wandamamura1324@hotmail.com !!!


"Delbert,
Hey babe!  Yes, I am real. Glad to see there are other people on this site looking for the same thing that I am. ;) To be completely honest... I am just looking for a hookup/good time. I really don't have time for anything serious in my life right now, but who knows?  So tell me a little about yourself? What do you want? What do you like sexually? Let me know and i will send you some more sexy pictures ;)"

Delbert barely read the words. His eyes were fixated on the photo of the statuesque model primping before her cell phone in an anonymous women's restroom.  Her spaghetti straps had slipped off both shoulders and her lacy bra unashamedly broadcast her bodacious bust. (I know, I have a thing for alliteration!)




His reply was dutiful, calculated, albeit sweaty.

"Wanda, you are amazing. You are perfect. I have heard of feminine protection, but you are feminine PERFECTION! You make every man's dream come true. I would be most honored to have you be the ultimate subject of my ultimate dream. Please call me immediately.
Resptectfully at Your service,
Delbert P. Newcomb"


To his joy, a reply came within the minute.

"Delbert,

wanna meet up?? This e-mail thing is getting old. If you want babe, you can actually verify you are not a sex offender creep or anything at my profile below and give me a call or text. My phone number is listed on the profile page. Sorry but it's the only way I'm going to meet someone offline. have to be careful these days.  Ever since the social networking serial killer thing a while back i have to be extra safe. :( Message me once you are verified and then we can plan something. im ready when u are hun!


 xoxo, Wanda"

Delbert read her profile with interest. She was 5'7" (he'd have to wear cowbody boots or platform shoes on their first date) and weighed 128 pounds. He hoped he wouldn't step on her. His fat face fell when he got to the part about a credit card number. Oh, well, Delbert told himself. As soon as he could sneak his parents' Visa card after they were asleep, his dream date would be a phone call away...