She shared that if only her husband would pay attention to her; she would have stayed in the marriage. "He acts like he doesn't care," she said. "If he fought for the marriage, I wouldn't have filed for divorce."
She heard my story, about how my wife wants nothing to do with me, but unlike my friends' hubby, I want to fight for the marriage.
She offered an idea.
"Send her flowers at work. Leave a note that says, 'I'm sorry.' "
If only my friend knew how many times I'd said, 'I'm sorry' to my wife. Each apology makes her harder and more cold.
But, if a woman going through a divorce says to give my wife flowers, maybe there's something to it. Maybe shared bitterness among women is universal. Maybe flowers really do melt the hard heart.
I found a nice fall bouquet with lillies in it. My wife loves lillies.
I called the floral company back to make sure they had been delivered. They had.
A day went by. No mention of the flowers by my wife. I went by the house. Nothing.
Two days. Three. A week.
Ten days later, my wife came home from a one day surgery. I noticed she had flowers from co-workers and the church.
"Hey, whatever happened to the flowers I sent?" I finally blurted.
She hesitated. "I gave them to someone else," she said flatly.
Unfortunately, I don't think anything is universal when it comes to human beings of either gender... that's why advice is so hard.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I don't think there are simple answers. Paying attention to each other doesn't mean sending flowers or cooking meat and potatoes like clockwork. She may have hay fever and he may be a vegan. Paying attention means caring enough to study another person to truly become intimately acquainted with their needs (which change over time).
You're in a tough place now because you're being denied the ability to see in where you can study. That happens because of bitterness, but while there is bitterness, I think there is still hope. Bitterness is an emotionally charged feeling -- you have to care to be bitter. If she's still bitter, that could actually be good news. It's numbness that will do you in. That's when a person will no longer allow herself to care. I think that's when a heart really hardens. I don't know if a numb person would even bother to get rid of the flowers. They would be so meaningless that it wouldn't matter. I think the fact that she had to get those flowers out of her sight could mean she's still fighting some emotions (which would mean she's not numb.)
I'm praying for you. Sometimes that's about all we can do. And I guess I should mention that your mention of flowers just inspired a scene in my novel that I ended up sobbing while writing.
Glad I can help?
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